


Lights, Camera, Action!

by hikarinanao



Category: Super Junior
Genre: M/M, fansite au, fansite!donghae, idol!hyukjae
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-02-20 10:11:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13144470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hikarinanao/pseuds/hikarinanao
Summary: Silver Rain, the top Eunhyuk fansite and one of the oldest, has suddenly closed down. The reason? Something Hyukjae didn't expect when he heard it from the masternim himself, but is somehow glad to know.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted to [aff](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1311556/lights-camera-action-eunhae-fansiteau).

_  
h y u k j a e_

    

> **SILVER RAIN**  @silverain_lhj · 1h
> 
> CLOSE.

  

I blink. When I logged into my twitter account, I did not expect to see that tweet sitting atop my highlights at all.

Several seconds pass as I try to digest the tweet, even though it only has one word. I read it over and over, trying to make sense that Silver Rain has closed, and by the second a piece of my heart gets gnawed on. Really. I can actually feel something eating my heart bit by bit.

I scroll down to the replies and it is chaos. What looks like hundreds or thousands of people have all written mostly the same message.

"WHAT" is the most common reply, from what I've seen. I nod along in my heart. WHAT indeed.

The second most common reply is "omg masternim why? ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ" and I also nod along. This is truly totally unexpected, out of the blue, something no one ever thought would happen.

When a fansite closes, from what I've seen, people are actually positive about it. Even though an air of sadness buzzes, an omnipresent hum, but people usually leave replies of "you've worked hard! Take care!" or "thank you for your photos all this time masternim and I am going to miss you," something along those lines.

Silver Rain's closure is different, much different from everything that I've seen before, and not just from the replies. I click the fansite's profile picture, which is now pitch black, to see its timeline and I see a single cloud drive link containing hundreds of HD photos collected over the years, just minutes before the closure announcement. People were probably just going nuts over these photos, like they always did with Silver Rain's work—after all, it is the top followed Eunhyuk fansite—when the news dropped and it made everything more shocking. The photos are also different. They aren't tastefully edited like most previously released photos and all of them has a slight imperfection—a cloud of blur here and there, an unfocused body part, uncontrollable lens flare, some photos blinded by backlight. They look like rejects if compared to Silver Rain's usual impeccable photography. Considering that even the watermarks are all in the same place, the only editing process they went through was probably just a simple mass editor, which is definitely not what Silver Rain usually does.

It's also weird because today's only the first day of the concert weekend and there are still two dates ahead. Most of the time, fansites don't close in the middle of a promotion period or tour, from my personal experience. They usually wait until it's all done, wait until the hype dies, then they wrap up everything and leave quietly.

Plus, Silver Rain was in the crowd just now. Aside from the photos he just released, I know he's there because I saw him.

I saw him sport his usual focused look, unbothered by the rabid crowd around him, and take pictures of me.

As always, I make the effort to look into his lens for one split second before sharing my attention to the rest of the crowd. And as always, I make the effort to go on twitter and check his handiwork after the concert, usually uploaded two or three hours after. He's always been a fast worker.

I always feel a pang of emptiness whenever a fansite closes because I know the most common reason: they have moved on to someone else. That's usually the case. Every time it happens I get thoughts—what did I not do right? Was I not enough for them? Did I not work hard enough? What did they find in someone else that I couldn't provide? I've been working like this for years, but these thoughts continue to plague my mind. Fans come and go all the time, but to see someone who has dedicated so much of their time and energy for you also moving on is a different sensation. A fansite's closure is just something you never get quite used to.

In Silver Rain's case, though, I am left more devastated than usual. I was always confident that even though people come and go, he would always be there, and it's a small comfort I normally turn to in the aftermath of anyone else leaving. Now that he is the one leaving, I don't think I have anyone else I can trust as much.

With the gap left in my heart, I put down my phone and move into the bathroom. The constant pressure of warm water droplets hitting my head in the shower usually fills my ideas with ideas and inspiration, but I keep thinking about how weird it is going to be from now on not needing to spot him in the crowd and point at the lens that has always been there since the beginnings of my career.

* * *

 

_d o n g h a e_

 

I convince myself I made the right call. Or at least, I try. I'm not really sure, actually, but it's already happened, so there's no way to take it back now anyway.

I released all the leftover photos—it's the least I can do, as a little compensation gift to all the Jewels. I actually feel a little sorry for doing this when they're all so excited for my photos during concert weekend, but I had to leave before it's too late. Taking photos today felt like a burden and the only thing I could think of on my way home earlier was how I'm gonna be free of this shackle very soon. I then became aware of how impatient I was and decided to just end it all tonight, no matter how rash and confusing it may be.

Now that all the photos have been safely backed up I can safely delete them, for my own well-being. I delete them all leaving nothing left, my drive finally squeaky clean of the traces that is Lee Hyukjae.

I wish deleting someone off my heart is as easy.

I set all my gadgets aside and snuggle deeper into my blanket. At least now I no longer have to deal with Eunhyuk pointing to my lens and the way my heart burns each time, not anymore. I can just live my life like normal, work like normal, find someone normal to love—someone who is not an idol I can never reach.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worked on the rough plot with [regimagi](http://archiveofourown.org/users/regimagi) who got the idea from a real life story of a Johnny (NCT) fansite closing down because they were afraid they would fall too hard for Johnny and holy shit if that isn't cute af... I told her that would be a good Eunhae fic plot because Donghae is a photographer and we spent the night planning this whole thing out lmao
> 
> Updates will not be as fast because I'm still putting my BTOB fic as priority.
> 
> Find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/btosuju)!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised Regi I'd make this one more lighthearted, but I couldn't stop kdfjhs. This kind of dilemma is exactly what I want to present in this fic. It'll get more fun later tho! Once things get rollin'.

_h y u k j a e_

 

I hoped it was a bluff, I really did. I hoped for the best. I hoped that Silver Rain closed simply because he had other commitments to think of, time and money commitments, no matter how weird the timing was. I hoped that even if Silver Rain doesn't take pictures of me anymore, he would still be there in the front row, watching me. At the very least, it would calm my worries.

I thought the closure wouldn't impact me so much—well, it already did, impact a lot I mean, but not _that_ much. Apparently I was wrong because this worry alone was enough to keep my eyes open last night. I grew more and more restless as the night passed and ended up maybe only getting two hours or so of sleep. Sleepless gigs are nothing new to me, but the fact that a single fansite closing would cause it is worrying enough. I can't pinpoint the exact reason, but I just need to see him again. I need to see him in the crowd.

I bite my lip, trying to keep the anxiety off my expression as scan the crowd again and again. He is not in the front row. He is not in the second row. He is not anywhere I've looked. Is he in the seats?

Sighing, I put Silver Rain in the back of my mind. I can't let this matter get to me so much that it bothers everyone else who came for a good time. Closing my eyes, I take deep breaths and focus on the excited screams of my Jewels. Inadvertently I smile. I grin, and even giggle. Their voices when they call my name continue to be the cutest and most precious thing in my life. I would do everything to not lose them.

I open my eyes to the sea of sparkly glitter from their light sticks. Their happy faces beam as they watch me. My whole body feels warm, like it is a steam machine and someone is eagerly feeding it coal.

I channel that energy to my body and move for them.

* * *

But he wasn't there. I even got on the moving trolley and searched through the seats for him, but he wasn't there. Guilt grows in my heart because I realized I have again compromised everyone else's maximum enjoyment for my selfish insecurities, but I can't help it. I just lost one of the few only constants in my hectic life.

As tomorrow's a Sunday concert that starts later and things have been generally laxer after doing the concert twice, I have more time to spend doing useless things. Like how I usually spend it, I open my twitter account.

I'd be lying if I say I wasn't disappointed when I didn't see Silver Rain's tweet the first thing on my timeline saying yesterday is just some crazy joke and he's back to taking photos today. It's stupid. I should seriously stop thinking like this.

As per my routine, I check some fansite accounts to see their previews. Some eagle eyes have noticed my restlessness from today, putting their concern in the captions. I shake my head at myself for letting this happen when I know I should've been professional. They're saying my serious look is sexy though, so I guess there's a silver lining to it.

Silver. Agh.

Why do I keep thinking about it? Stop. Stop, brain.

I say that, I even say that out loud, but brains don't follow orders, apparently. In my mind rushes the images of him, of his warm eyes and his sharp jaw. His smiling face among the crowd. The pleased smile he does that I've seen sometimes, when I occasionally caught him looking at the photo he just took.

Without thinking, my thumbs soon take me to that troubling fansite's twitter page. Keeping in mind that I have some time to spare, I finally click on the drive link Silver Rain tweeted yesterday, really looking at the photos this time instead of the skimming I did already. He made a folder especially for photos of yesterday's concert. I click it.

They are mostly rejects. Photos of barely decipherable blur, of colorful ghosts moving on stage litter the folder. There are some gems in there though it takes some effort to look. I put in said necessary effort and pick out the cherries from the folder, saving them to my own phone in their unedited glory, still impressed by them anyway. He always makes me look better than I actually do, and it baffles me that enough photography skills can make me look like that. I also take note of the photos that are not of my face—of my hand, my feet, my legs. Somehow, they bring a blush to my face. Why?

Suddenly an idea strikes me. I'm not sure what'll come out of it but at this point does it really matter? Any reaction is good, anything that gets him to look is good enough for me. Maybe he would feel loved and appreciated. Maybe he would cringe, maybe he would just laugh it off... maybe he would—

I must be crazy, because the possibility of him coming back alone is enough to get me so _so_ hopeful. I'm not sure what makes me feel like this. It's true that it's worth a shot, though. It's nothing harmless, if something happens, great; if nothing happens it would just pass like any other day. If anything, it'd be a nice gesture of appreciation for a fansite that has been here for so long.

I steel my pride, tell myself it's fine, and open up Instagram.

 

* * *

  

_d o n g h a e_

 

I double-check, triple-check, over and over and over, but it's right. There, marked by unmistakably my watermark, are my photos. Precisely, the photos I took on the first day of the concert that I uploaded unedited onto the drive.

 

 **eunhyukee44** 2nd day of concert done! Tomorrow too, work hard my Jewels ^^ I wanna say don't bring your lovers to my concert, but it's not like you guys have one anyway, right?  
Show all 7993 comments  
1 HOUR AGO

 

On Eunhyuk's Instagram post. He uploaded them. When he has never uploaded a fansite's photo before, ever. He even uploaded my strange photo of just his hand in the air.

I feel my heart beating faster and faster and I mentally yell at it to stop. This is seriously not funny. It looks like a huge joke the universe pulled, but it's not funny at all. Heck, it's not even the first time he has noticed me! He's always pointed at my lens before anyway. Why is something this simple making my heart go this crazy? And hell, why is he doing this so suddenly?

I don't know what I expect when I click on the comments. I see plenty of "yah lee hyukjae you bastard ㅋㅋㅋ" or "you've worked hard oppa" or "3rd day fighting". I also see others. Like "ahh silver rain-nim ㅠㅠ".

Ugh. I try to ignore them. I'm trying my best to deal with the guilt of leaving Jewels so suddenly and it's not helping. How do other closing fansites deal with this? My heart is swelling uncontrollably.

Unable to bear it, I close the comments section to come back face to face with Eunhyuk's photo page.

What do I do with this...

I rise up from my bed and walk to my closet, where a big electronic dry box has been slotted into. I open it. Inside are my cameras and lenses, my whole life—I purposefully keep it inside a creaky-doored closet that would jolt me awake with the sound immediately. I'd rather lose anything but them.

A ticket to Eunhyuk's final day concert also sits next to the tele lens I always bring to concerts. I had sold the ticket for today's concert (for a huge profit, with that queue number) after I decided attending it wouldn't be healthy for me, but something just kept me from offering the third-day ticket along with it.

I don't know. Logically, I actually would rather avoid Eunhyuk as much as possible, but my heart is saying something else and I know it.

A sound disturbs my thoughts and it's the vibration of my phone against the wood of the nightstand.

 

 **Minjae**  
Yah Lee Donghae  
Did you see it

 

I know what she's referring to without much thinking and I find myself thinking about the post again. It doesn't feel nice. But Minjae's message gives me so much relief—I thought she would be resting by now, which is why I haven't contacted her, but now that I know she's awake, I'm more than glad to not be left making decisions alone. She would have to suffer my annoying indecisiveness right when she's tired from the concert and have another one to prepare for tomorrow. I should feel bad, but it's Minjae. When she decided to contact me about Hyukjae, she should have been prepared for my stupid crying fits anyway.

 

 **Me**  
I have ㅠㅠ  
Minjae-ah ㅠㅠ ㅠㅠ ㅠㅠ  
What's happening...  
My heart is racing

 **Minjae**  
Do you know what everyone else is saying  
Hyukjae looked a bit out of it today  
His eyes were all over the place  
Like looking for something  
It's all over twitter too

 **Me**  
Um, okay?

 

Minjae is a fast response girl, but she doesn't reply after that. I think she's still sorting out her own photos, trying to decide which preview to—

Oh. Okay. She's calling me.

I draw in a breath. Minjae has always preferred text, same as I do, no matter how much she needs her hands for something else. The fact that she's calling means she is extremely serious.

My fingers shake lightly when I slide to pick up. Minjae hates wasting time, so when she doesn't spare time for greetings and get right into the issue, I'm not surprised.

"Donghae-yah, come on! He totally knows about you."

"Yeah. He does. I know." I know it's not what Minjae is talking about, but I get annoying when I'm nervous.

Minjae would normally be aware of my dumb habits but seems like she's too tired and frustrated to care. "No, I mean." I hear her frustration not from her own lips, but from the clicks of her keyboard getting louder. "He knows that you closed and it's bothering him!"

"Ha ha ha," I say flatly. "Okay, Eun Minjae. That's one too many dramas."

"But his eyes—"

"Okay, let's say he was looking for someone. How are you so sure it was me?" I ask in a mocking way, trying to disguise my inner curiosity.

"I would think so but look. Look what he did, Donghae. One. He's never posted fansite's picture before. Two. It's a post about day 2 but your photos are from day 1. Why? Three. It's from your cloud drive you posted, right? Doesn't that mean he opened your drive? And picked a photo from the thousands of photos in it?"

I hate how convincing Minjae is being because she's always been good at this. I try to not argue with what she said and present a different point instead. "Okay, so he opened my drive. But why would he look for me?" I fake a laugh. "Let's get real, Minjae-ah."

Minjae laughs. She actually laughs, unlike the plastic ass laugh I did earlier. "Um. Sorry, but are you forgetting that he's always looked for you? At every concert? You're the one who should get real, Silver Rain-nim."

"Don't—" I huff, because as annoying as I'll ever be, I'll never be as annoying as her. This is entirely subjective, of course. "Yah, I still think Minus-J is a terrible name for a fansite."

"You've said that three thousand times. And I go by just Minus now, shut up."

I chuckle. She may be hard-headed, but she actually always listens. I'm the same. It's the secret to our long-lasting friendship.

To appreciate her courage to face her embarrassing past, I reward her by acknowledging her argument and move the conversation along. "Okay. Let's say he is looking for me. What about this? Why would me not being there bother him?"

"That's the mystery, isn't it?" Minjae counters. "He's visibly restless when you're not around. Why do you think, Donghae?"

See, see, this is what I mean by being good at arguments. Or maybe I just suck. I don't know, but whichever it is, I hate it. I can't answer her and I hate it. What do I think about Hyukjae being bothered I'm not there? My delusional brain is whispering bad answers to me and I blame it on watching too many soap operas.

Lee Donghae, he's an idol and you are— _were_ —just his fansite. Stop.

I must've stayed silent for too long because Minjae starts speaking impatiently. "Are you coming tomorrow? You still have your ticket, right?"

I glance at the ticket I was just looking at a few minutes ago. I'm not surprised she knows, but I act like I do anyway to buy time to answer her question. "How do you know?"

She clicks her tongue. "Who do you think I am, Lee Donghae? I didn't stick by your side for five years for you to wonder why I don't know everything about you."

A fond smile graces my lips. To think about it, I've been through so much with Minjae, us both being the oldest Eunhyuk fansites who have been there since his debut era, coincidentally being the same age, too. You might think five years isn't all that long, but as fansites, the time we spend together is hard and grueling. When we're exhausted, our true selves come out along with the worst side of us. Because no one else will understand how hard fansiting is, we also confide our stresses to each other. It starts with just fansite stress, and as we got comfortable with each other we also share daily problems and even relationship problems. As a result, Minjae knows all my ugliest habits and my deepest secrets.

When made the decision to leave yesterday, I cut off my ties with all the other fansites but Minjae. I left all the group chats. Minjae... nowadays I can't really imagine my life without her.

I think of all the hardships Minjae and I have conquered and it nearly brought a tear to my eye, really. I know I'm a softie, but it's really touching. From concert shenanigans, dealing with security, annoying customers, even a fraud at one point—

Minjae hasn't said anything even though a lot of time has passed. I think she knows I'm being sappy. So to break the silence, I say: "Love you, Minjae-ah."

She chuckles, as always still a little awkward with how sappy I can get. "Thanks. Back to the ticket, though. You've been thinking whether or not to go, right?"

I let Minjae steer the conversation. "Alright, yeah I haven't sold it. And you're right. About thinking."

"I'm helping your indecisive ass here," she says with a slight edge to it, successfully making me nibble the insides of my mouth in guilt. "Come tomorrow."

I sigh heavily. "Look—"

"No need to bring your cameras, just come and watch."

I'm slowly losing the battle here, because the idea becomes more and more tempting. I haven't said anything but then Minjae adds, "I'm sure Hyukjae would be happy, too."

I squint, not going down without a challenge. "How are you so sure?" I know Minjae would have an answer to that anyway, so I pose a different question to her. "And what's in it for me? It'll just further break my heart."

"Woman's instincts," she answers to the first question. There is a short silence before Minjae says: "Hasn't Hyukjae always been in it for you?"

At this point I know I've lost. She's a hundred percent right. It brings back memories of another tearful night—

_"I'm scared, Minjae. I'm scared."_

_She had held me tight. "Donghae, I—I wish I can help you. Really."_

_I knew she's sincere, and I have the same wish. But alas, there's no one who could do anything about my feelings other than myself._

_I know it's only ever been him who made me like this, wrecked and broken. I can't think of anyone else. And that's the scary part—that I'm being like this because of him and only him. Can't anyone else make my heart pound so hard? Give me a release from this heartache? What if I really never do find anyone else? What if I can't love anyone else as much as I—_

_"I'm gonna quit. I can't stay here any longer." I sobbed into her chest. "It hurts. It hurts to see him, Minjae."_

_It hurts to always be reminded that I can't have him._

_Minjae had smiled. "You know I'll support you."_

"I know it hurts, Donghae," Minjae's voice over the telephone is concerned. "But it's also... not right to leave Hyukjae like—like that. I mean."

"Then _how_ do I leave him, Minjae?" My voice rose. I'm starting to get frustrated. "We've been over this. I'm leaving him. He isn't good for my heart."

I hear her closing her laptop before she starts speaking again. "Actually what I wanna say is," she pauses, "it's better to give it a shot than nothing at all."

I bite my lips. I know where she's heading. I don't like it.

"Eun Minjae," I say in a light scolding tone, because this is not a joke anymore. "Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?"

"Look, can you—will you do this, Donghae? At least do it for me."

I rub my forehead. It's hard to refuse Minjae because she really doesn't ask me for much. So whenever she does ask, my mind always automatically says yes, because I like it if I can help make her happy. "It'll never work, Minjae," I say as my last defense.

But she uses my own question against me. "How are you so sure?"

The delusional voice in my head snaps awake with that question. _Yeah, Lee Donghae, why are you so sure you'd never end up with Lee Hyukjae?_

I'm a grown man with logic. Not some delusional fangirl thinking they own their oppas. But there is that childish side of me, holding on to that tiny hope for its dear life, a side that I despise. Is Hyukjae even gay? Will he even be interested in a mere fan? I throw my childish side countless arguments every day, but it just never admits defeat.

"I know, I know," Minjae says, not specifying what she knows exactly, but I kinda know what she means. This dilemma. This whole fight against myself. "But look. Now that there's even the slightest chance, don't you want to...? One last time? One more chance, at least? I'll be right there with you if anything happens."

I fall back onto my bed. She's being so convincing. My case is a lost one. I already know what I want.

It's fine to be childish once in a while, I guess? It's justification. I know this is doing me no good but I'm doing it anyway.

Slowly, with a small voice, I speak. "I don't want to meet the other fansites. I don't want their questions." My ticket's queue number is too high, it's a guarantee that I'll bump into them. They're nosier than Dispatch. Some of them, at least.

"Let's get your ticket traded!" Minjae's tone becomes lighter, more hopeful. She's happy. I like it when she's happy, even though I don't really like what I'm doing for it. It's the bright side of this, I guess. "I'll offer it on Minus. You prefer seating?"

"That would be great."

I'll be away from Minjae in seating, but at least I'll be even further away from Hyukjae.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the part with Minjae got too long, I couldn't control myself. Being inside Donghae's head is fun and I'm attached to Minjae already x(


	3. Chapter 3

  _d o n g h a e_

I'm stupid.

To be fair, last night I was super emotional, okay? I couldn't even think straight (ha) enough to make decisions alone, how was I gonna pay attention to little things?

Okay, you know what, nevermind that lousy excuse. Everyone around me calls me stupid anyway. I'm about 90% ready to accept that as fact now.

Minjae scored an excellent offer for my ticket last night. It was at seating's front row. I accepted it anyway, thinking it'd be nice if I don't have to deal with anyone annoying in front of me, plus hey. I'm still putting some money into this, the least I can try is get a decent view. Even though I don't really want to look at Hyukjae all that much, but.

Here's my stupidity.

I completely forgot Hyukjae is going to ride a trolley around the stadium during the concert.

And from the looks of it... he'll be right here. In front of my fucking face. Closer than ever.

I've sent Minjae chats— _bitch did you set me up? Is this your idea?—_ but she isn't replying. As to be expected, of course. Things have got to be pretty hectic on her end. If she isn't answering my chats, there's no point in calling.

Shit. Shit! This lightstick is heavy enough. I'm gonna smack myself in the head. Maybe I can forget all about my dumb feelings and enjoy the concert I spent money on. Or I can smack Hyukjae. Make him hate me. Make me hate him. Move on. The end.

More people trickle into the stadium and I find myself frantically googling: _how to stop loving idols in five minutes._

 

* * *

  

_h y u k j a e_

 

I think I'm doing a good job so far...? I don't know. I try to not look as restless as yesterday. Aside from being much more well-rested, part of the reason why I'm much brighter today is the really awesome fan support backstage—a bunch of balloons knotted together to look like me, some cute strawberry cakes, and really delicious fusion food. It was some really funky tasting but super nice ramen? I applaud whoever came up with that for fan support. Like, really. Gotta track that dish down.

The fan project today is hilarious, too. They held up banners during Still You which say "Yeah, you're still a monkey." How cute is that? I cracked up really bad, not my fault my fans are crazy. The ment after that was probably one of the funniest ones I've ever done. Jewels really are the best.

The disappointment I felt when searching the nearest rows and still not finding Silver Rain is still real though. I mean. I did do something last night. Guess it didn't work.

The concert enters the sappy half of it. I watch my step as I get on the trolley, and it moves soon after. Like yesterday, I also scan the seats, although I'm trying to not be too obvious—

Oh my god.

I—I'm. I'm at a loss for words.

Literally, I think as I nearly miss my next line. Thankfully, the instrumental interlude comes after where I can stop worrying about that and just greet the fans.

Greet him too, this time. Because he's there. In the front seating row. With the same eyes and jaw I remember. His hair is pulled into a beanie with his fringe peeking out. Instead of the camera I'm used to seeing him sport, he has only my signature gem light stick in his hands, which he is waving along the beat calmly.

I'm still pretty far away from him right now, but I think he's noticed how I'm looking at him and just him. And with that, I become aware of it, too. I divert my attention to greet everyone like I usually do, feeling my ears heat up.

As I get closer to him I get jittery. How do I express to him how thankful I am that he's here? I'm shit at expressing my feelings and I regret that so much whenever something like this happens. I smile as sincerely as I can, but I feel like it's not enough. I should do something.

But time won't stop for me to think and neither will this trolley, and too soon I am face to face with him. He has stopped waving his light stick, his expression unreadable in my panic. His mouth is gaping open and his eyes follow me like a spotlight.

Reflexively I lift up a hand to point at him, which makes me realize again that he doesn't have with him his lens that I usually point at. My fingers uncurl and that's how it hangs there in the air, awkwardly, a frozen moment in the supposed smooth flow of my concert.

The trolley keeps moving. He is starting to reach the corner of my vision. I really have to—I have to—

My thoughts don't rearrange themselves in time and all I end up doing is a small, desperate wave of my hand, shy and awkward and out of character. The shame and stupidity of it burn my ears. It's painful enough to look at him again so I break eye contact, attempting to continue on with the concert like nothing happened.

But me being a fool, I dare myself to turn my head, to catch a last glimpse of him even though it's going to be so noticeable to everyone else that I'm not sharing my attention with them, and—

My breath hitches at the sight. He is doubled over in his seat laughing. His smile spreads all over his face, lights it up, and even under the harsh lights that shine for me, he seems aglow.

There's always something about seeing other people laughing like that that makes you happy too, but there's something different about it this time. I don't get time to think about that anymore though, because not a moment later he turns to me again. He catches my eyes and I catch his. Then his lips close and it curls up, and up, and up and up to a sincere smile that tells even more through his eyes.

I was going to smile back but I find that I'm already smiling. It's a weird experience.

I turn away from him for good this time, finally obeying the desperate screams of the professional idol in me. He isn't in the field of my physical vision anymore, but the image of his warm smile lingers behind my eyes, like it is traced onto my retina.

I blush. I know what I'm thinking about. Even objectively thinking, one would think he is attractive. It's not new information to me, having seen him regularly for quite a while, but they say people are at their most attractive when they look the happiest. They are right.

My thoughts drift back to it more than twice for the rest of the concert, bringing with it a strange burn in my chest, which I try to not think about.

  

* * *

  

_d o n g h a e_

 

I mean.

What was I supposed to do? Hyukjae was—

He was just... too cute.

It was hard to resist laughing, but it's not like I was trying, anyway. Hyukjae looked so lost and nervous. It's like he's just debuted all over again. What's with that pathetic wave? It's adorable and I can't stop smiling.

He turns his back to me finally, ending our little interaction. Which also makes me realize: I just had an interaction. With Lee Hyukjae. And not a short one.

My face burns. I... did he really just spend the entire time gliding along my section interacting with me? He even turned his head to me one more time. And before it all happened, I also caught him looking at my general direction from several sections over, although back then I wasn't so sure if it was really me he's looking at. But after that interaction...

I bury my face in my hands. All the thoughts and questions come rushing into my brain, the dam of my euphoria broken. What was up with him? The most he gave me even as a fansite was just a pointing finger to my lens. What's with the wave? The turn of the head? Why did he decide to interact with me that much?

I begin to recall images, too—of when the trolley began to enter my section and I realized he really had his eyes on me. Hyukjae's smile back then was so—it was just so wide and happy, like a child spotting candy. It may be a smile I've seen before, but my heart pounded harder than ever, almost choking my throat. At that point, my body was really just frozen and I couldn't do anything other than look at him. My light stick-holding hand wasn't even moving.

More images—of his confused expression as his hand hung in the air midway to his usual point gesture, for some reason choosing to not go through with it. Of the contrast of Hyukjae's red face against his pale skin after he did that wave. Of him looking away, and of him turning his head back to me again, of the final smile he gave me. The smile that seemed less like a simple happy goodbye to a closing fansite and just more of something _else._ Something unknown to me.

_What the hell, Lee Hyukjae?_

For one more time tonight I really feel my heart is about to explode, like really. Something's different knowing that I am the likely cause of that smile, that nervousness, all of it. The always triumphing pessimist side of me is also fighting its best though, arguing that 1) maybe it's not you, maybe it's the girl next to you and 2) the gestures aren't all that special. And even if it is you and the gestures really are special, don't just assume whatever you want to assume. You seriously thought there is a chance Hyukjae would return your feelings? Why would Hyukjae want a piece of you when he has literally everyone else to choose from?

It's like my thoughts are the rapid currents dragging my brain along with it, but the path forks and I am stuck right there in the middle. On one hand, Hyukjae is Eunhyuk, the rising dance idol of this decade, probably not even gay, and I am just a mere... but on one hand, he also did—

Still drowning in thoughts, I don't realize the concert has ended until the stadium's lights turn on and jolt me awake with their brightness. I look around and people around me have also mostly left their seats. My thoughtful look must have been jarring to everyone else's joy, because I see some people looking at me worriedly.

Disconcerted, I fumble around my bag before finding my phone. I was going to text Minjae but it turns out she sent me a text already. Minjae being Minjae, of course she ignored the texts I sent before the concert.

 

**Minjae**  
I left asap because everyone is annoying ㅎㅎ  
Meet you at the parking lot  
Otherwise they're definitely gonna sniff their noses at us  
Take cover, they're looking for you

 

I sigh and rub my forehead. This is what I mean by nosier than Dispatch... as if there isn't already enough drama with everyone else or even with fellow Jewels. Hyukjae actually keeps a very close eye on Jewels and always reprimands us if anything bad happens, but drama among fansites is something he would never have heard of. They only keep it in their group chats, after all. I say "they", because I don't involve myself in that pile of dung. It's only the bad apples who do this, but when they do it it's super annoying.

I pull my beanie lower to cover most of my head and put on glasses. I walk a fast pace to the parking lot and sure enough, Minjae is already there at the portal. I tug her wrist and pull her into the nice corner my car is parked at.

We get into the car, her seating shotgun, and like always she doesn't waste time to get down to business. "Can you believe they've been bothering me the whole concert asking about you? How annoying. As if they have to know everything that's happening in this world."

The laugh I let out is awkward. "Sorry," I say quietly, opting to focus on getting the car out of here soon before the line out gets too long. I hate that I'm causing this unnecessary mess to her, no matter how unavoidable it is.

"Not your fault. Whatever. Fuck them, they weren't even all that close to you. They're just looking for gossip fodder. Disgusting."

I hear the click of a camera switch followed by harsh pressing of buttons. She seems really pissed... I outstretch a hand her way and rub her shoulders, which she accepts gratefully.

Minjae sighs before moving on to another topic. "So? How about you?"

A lump forms in my throat and I try to swallow it but it just won't go down. "Uh. Well."

"Enjoyed it?"

"Yeah."

"Oooookay. Then?"

I tap my thumb against the wheel. To be honest, I just don't know where to begin. Very little happened, but at the same time, too much happened.

We're still in the lengthy queue to get out of the venue, so I decide to just tell the story without too much thinking before I have to split my concentration to the road making it more incoherent.

"I'm confused," I begin by presenting my problem.

"You always are. Elaborate."

I glare at her, which she doesn't notice because she's too busy taking preview photos with her phone. Or maybe she did notice, seeing as she's smiling. Ass.

I'm back in serious mode, though. "I don't know what Hyukjae wants from me."

"Crap, we're at that point already? You sure you're still talking about the concert?"

Finally, I tell her the story that I have committed to my brain, trying my best to not miss any detail. She only responds in hums or quiet "oh"s, but I know she's really into my story judging by how she has put down her phone already.

"Then he turns around and that's it," I close the story. "If there's anything he did after, I didn't notice because I completely zoned out the whole time after that. Don't blame me."

"Donghae."

I don't reply, I just sigh. It's our turn to get on the road so I pay more attention to driving.

" _Donghae_."

"Yeah?"

"I'm—like—I don't wanna be a delulu here, but—"

"I know right!?" I press my foot on the gas a little too hard, making Minjae yelp. Oops. "Sorry. Me neither. That's the hardest part. What the fuck just happened, Minjae? What am I supposed to do? You're the calm one. Help me."

Minjae audibly ponders. "Should I burst your bubble or let it float?"

"Pop me out of here, please."

"Okay, um. It could be just a gesture of appreciation. Y'know. You _have_ been here for quite a while. Take nice photos, too. Or he wants you to come back to fansiting."

I thought the same thing. But the more I think about it and look back on the images, everything, the more it just seems less likely. "You really think so?" I try her.

She huffs and throws her hands in the air. "Actually, no. Wow, this is hard. Sorry, Donghae."

I lean my head against the window in defeat, thinking that if even Minjae can't think her way out of this one, it's a real mess I've gotten into. We spend a lot of the ride to Minjae's place in silence. She's back to taking preview photos, and I'm just thinking.

Every time I think about it, I come to only one logical conclusion and that is that Hyukjae has an interest in me, and it's suffocating because all the warnings in my head go off with that thought. He would never. Would he ever? There's no way to know for certain. I can't just approach him and talk to him about it. Even if I go see him at events again, there's no guarantee anything else would happen. If nothing ends up happening when I've gotten my hopes up that much, wouldn't it be too heartbreaking? Even worse is if I get too brave and end up embarrassing myself, or making him disgust me, or—

Bile rises up my throat just thinking about all the possibilities.

But... let's say he actually is interested in me. If I leave him for good, I would regret everything that could have happened. It's a regret I would have to live with for the rest of my life. I will live without ever getting a real conclusion from Hyukjae. Granted, it's a much lighter regret than the regret of ever making Hyukjae disgust me, but... that ending is completely avoidable if I don't do anything stupid.

Heck, I probably won't be able to leave him for good anyway. I know that a part of my heart will always long for him. If he doesn't want me, fine. At least that part of my heart gets the answer it should get, and it would help me to move on.

My car rolls up in front of Minjae's apartment block. She quietly packs her camera but at a slower pace than usual, also glancing at me every few seconds. She's waiting for me to speak, I think.

So I do. "Yah, should I just go for it?"

She finally directly looks at me, her eyebrows shot up.

"Should I just try actually going for Hyukjae?"

"Donghae." Minjae sets her camera away and her whole body turns to me. "Are you sure?"

I shrug, trying to make it seem nonchalant. "It's worth a shot."

Minjae grabs my shoulders, pulling me so we sit facing each other in the car. Our eyes meet. Her gaze on me is filled with shock and worry, and she's trying to look into my soul through my eyes. It makes me give up on trying to hide my anxiety.

She bites her lip before quietly asking: "can you handle it?"

I feel like crying. My eyes are already wet, but I try my best to hold my tears back from falling. "Isn't it better than doing nothing at all?"

She squints at me. I muster all the measly courage in my meek body and try to focus it in my eyes in an attempt to look convincing. I need her support. If she supports me on this, I think I can at least try. I'm desperate enough to do this. I don't think I can go on without any sort of conclusion from Hyukjae.

Minjae who is not a girl of skinship suddenly moves her hand to cup my face. She's never done this before. I'm a bit flustered by the gesture, but I think I like it. It doesn't last long, though, because then she's squeezing my shoulders tightly and shaking me back and forth.

"Our Donghae's grown up," she croons. It's a dumb gesture and I want to slap her for it, but it also makes me smile. My effort to convince her worked, I think. It goes on for too long though and I give her a light jab on her waist for it.

She laughs. But she doesn't take her hand off my shoulders, using them to set me in place. "Yah, but listen. You will tell me anything you plan to do before you actually do it, okay? God knows you're awful at making decisions."

"Fine, fine." I was planning to do that anyway.

She smiles one more time before finally grabbing her things and make the move to get out. Before she closes the door, she peeks her head in to say: "I don't want you to get hurt, okay?"

The door closes before I answer. My smile lingers on my face. It feels great to receive support for the dumb things I want to do. I put my hands back on the wheel and start driving home.

My heart is racing from the anticipation. I don't even have any idea what I want to do yet. But I know that I want Lee Hyukjae to be mine, as my heart has decided. There's no turning back now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of Donghae's dilemma and finally something concrete, right?
> 
> I know we haven't been seeing a lot from Hyukjae's side, but it's coming in future chapters. He has problems of his own...
> 
> Thank you so much for everyone's support! =^.^= It's really overwhelming. I hope to give you a story you guys can enjoy!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!!! Sorry it took quite a bit. I originally planned for this to be short but I had too much fun...
> 
> I hope people will like the development in this chapter. I wanted to get it out as soon as possible, so there'll probably be a lot of problems in here that I'll come back to fix lmao. But! Here it is, in the meantime.

  _d o n g h a e_

 

"Lee Donghae, they announced it!" Minjae shouts into the phone as soon as I pick up her call, uncharacteristically loud and making me flinch.

"What now?" I say groggily. I haven't slept in over 24 hours. My ass hurts from sitting here editing photos all day long in crunch time. I'm tired and irritated, functioning from coffee to coffee.

Again, Minjae is calling instead of texting, so that means she has important information. That and I haven't checked my phone basically all day, so she probably already texted me but got tired of waiting for me to text back.

"Extra fansign dates."

I slump on my desk. She's releasing the info little by little, which means the important info must be a surprise at the end. On the rare good mood days when she does this it's usually just fun, but I really am not in the mood to go along with her mischief. It's not like I have a lot of time to spare either; if I do I would be asleep.

"Okay, look, I know you're trying to build up my hype, but I've been powering through here at the studio editing photos and I'm a huge bundle of frustration so—"

"Get to the point?"

"Preferably."

"You're going to meet Hyukjae."

_I—_

RIP, my pristine studio floor. I spat coffee all over it. Thank God I missed my computer and photo sets by inches, but still. I curse loudly as I look at the heinous crime scene of brown puddle and keep in mind that I'll have to make her pay for that later.

I'm still coughing when I put the phone back to my ear. "Okay. That's too to the point. Tell me the story."

"I was just doing what you asked."

"Story, Eun Minjae, I have a dirty studio floor to clean."

"Fine." She proceeds to tell the story in the flattest tone possible. "I've taken some group orders so I can buy something close to a hundred fifty albums, but I can't make it there on the day. There's that Hong Kong job I told you about. You're going in my place."

 _A fansign?_ I bite the insides of my cheek. I've never been to a fansign before. That's more of Minjae's thing. I've never even opened album group orders. The reason being a lot of responsibility is involved in stuff like that, and I'd have to correspond with a lot of strangers... once, when I really needed the money, Minjae coerced me into selling Season's Greetings packages, which admittedly helped my situation a lot, but she ended up doing most of the correspondence work for me. I'm... not good at it.

Fansign. I consider. That would mean some semi-private minutes with Hyukjae... enough for a decent conversation...

But, _fansign_. Other Jewels will be there. Other fansites will be there. And I would be there alone, without Minjae to calm my nerves, without anyone to help or guide me. Alone being the key word here.

I can feel my heartbeat pacing just from the thought of going through that alone, so without much fighting from my fatigued conscious, my self-defense instincts kick in. It attempts to calm my heart by finding reasons to not attend. "You're confident you'll get in?"

She sighs. "I'm the expert on fansigns here, Donghae, not you."

I sigh, too. "When is that?"

"Eighteenth."

Fingers trembling, I click around on my computer to see my cloud planner. Secretly I hope that I have a really important photoshoot or something—

But no. I'm free. No excuse.

"Where?" I ask her, tone rising.

"Busan."

 _That's two and a half hours away by train and five hours by bus_ , the devil inside me points out, and my lips let out a grumpy "Ouch. Too far. Nope."

Minjae doesn't immediately reply. Thinking I probably won't be able to focus now with this in my mind anyway, I indulge in the thought of taking a power nap and return to photoshop in a—

"Yah. Lee Donghae." Her tone is stern. "Are you serious about this or not? I can just give this to someone else if you want. Fine. Not like I have to give it to you or anything."

Oh no. I pissed her off.

Which is not easy. Minjae likes to complain about other people, but when she attacks me directly like this, that means she's terribly upset. It immediately jolts me awake from my half-slumber.

"Whoa. Okay, okay." I feel really guilty. Mood aside, I shouldn't have been so anti-climactic about it when all she wanted to do was help me. Without her support, I probably won't even be able to come this far, and this isn't even a _mile_ away from starting point. "Sorry. I've been awake for twenty-four hours."

"No need to be an ass to me."

"Yeah, I know, really sorry. So it's in Busan?"

"Oh, you still wanna go?" She keeps jabbing me with her words. I take it silently and willingly. It's what I deserve.

The answer comes out of my mouth with less thought put in it than I would prefer, but angry impatient Minjae is terrifying. "Okay, I'll go. I'll take photos for Minus while I'm there. Okay?"

"Hell no, Donghae, they'd murder you. Just treat me something nice. I'll follow you up later."

She hangs up.

I let out a long, guttural breath, slamming my phone on the desk. That was super stupid of me. Hope she won't stop supporting me through this whole... Hyukjae debacle because of this. I gotta control myself to stop this crap from happening again; I already know that I can't do this without her support.

Although I've made up my mind about Hyukjae and the point still stands, the premise of having a conversation with him still freaks me out. Will I know what to say and do? The probability of me embarrassing myself is sky high especially without anyone to help me there. I'm completely on my own.

Then again, what good will just seeing him in concerts do? Especially after I've abruptly closed Silver Rain. To even be remotely close to Hyukjae, I'd have to be in the front rows again, bodies pressed with Jewels and fansites who I'd have to deal with. A fansign would be the perfect opportunity to take things a step further.

Geez, as if I really can take a step further with him. What "step further" am I hoping for? Things can't progress that much in just five minutes or under.

 _I'm too tired to think,_ I decide. I also decide that I'm too tired and disturbed to properly edit photos, so I turn my PC off and head to the couch to take a power nap, the pillow hitting my head being the most pleasant sensation.

The last thing I think of before drifting away is how nice it would be if I have more than just five minutes with him, if I have an hour with him, a day with him, a lifetime with him.

* * *

This is where and how I end up:

Seated in between excited Jewels, their feet shaking with nerves. Hair stuffed in beanie, glasses perched on nose, face half-covered by mask. Girls peeking at me every five seconds thinking there's a celebrity under cover. Endless noise of camera shutters in my ears. Occasional screams accompanying.

Racing heartbeat. Hyper-aware of my blinking. Eyes darting everywhere. Sweaty palms. An album, inside them.

And Hyukjae, in the room, right there. Just some fifty steps away. On a raised platform. Behind a counter. Smiling brightly. Pen in his hand.

I'm not sure if I like this or hate this, but I'm trying really hard to like this. Attempting to find interesting things to help me enjoy the situation, I check the room out. My eyes briefly skim the row of fansites in front. I see people I recognize, but I'm really quite glad I'm stuck here at the back instead of mingling with them. They'd freak out once they notice that I'm attending a fansign, out of all things.

As a result of me not attending fansigns, I don't have fansign photos like everyone else, so they usually try and take their best photos here to compete with me. I don't really care or mind. I prefer concert photography anyway. Besides, I would rather avoid being in awkward situations with Hyukjae.

Which reminds me that I'm minutes away from having an awkward situation with Hyukjae. Shit.

My eyes can't stop darting all over the place. In its haphazard path, it passes the sight of a sincerely smiling Hyukjae, making my heart skip a beat and instinctively look away. Then, my eyes dart all over the place again. And they see Hyukjae again. And again. And again.

Eventually, I escape the vicious cycle by planting my head in my palms. I stay like that until the noona in front says "next person please!" and I hear rustle from beside me.

She's standing up. That means I'm next.

My heart feels like it's about to pop out of my chest. I look around to see how everyone else is handling the nerves and I spot some people quietly rehearse what they're going to say up front, so I try to copy them. But then I realize: I have not prepared anything. Or have I? Either I haven't, or I have, but no words come to mind, nothing—

"Next person please!"

_Kill me, I'm dead._

My feet wobble when I stand. I want to walk as slowly as possible, but everyone else is fast so I'm forced to match their pace. And then I'm in the line going up. Only when I'm already up front do I take off my mask, and I can feel it tremble against my cheek. I crumple and stuff it into my pocket.

He's so close, so close. He's right there. Barely some feet away from me. Some heart stickers decorate his cheeks. On his nose is perched a pair of hollow golden-framed vintage glasses, and on his head he has a pair of white bunny ears. Bracelets and necklaces of all kinds also decorate his wrists and neck, all gifts from fans that Hyukjae has always liked wearing.

Little monkey dolls sit on his table and I count them one by one to distract myself. One, two, three—

The shadow on the dolls leaves, meaning the girl standing in front has also left. Four, five, six—

They usher me to walk, and I can barely feel my legs. For once I thought the dolls are coming to me rather than me walking to them. Seven, eight, they are getting closer, nine—

"Hi."

The dolls are here.

He is here.

Hyukjae's actual skin is even more of a noticeable milky white, smooth and flawless. I'm so close to him I can even distinguish the strands of his fluffy black hair, falling down to cover his forehead, looking like they would be of the perfect lightness to run your hand over.

My fingers twitch at the thought.

"Your album?" I hear from in front of me, and yeah. It's already happening. Great start, Lee Donghae.

"O-Oh right," I stammer, but I try to look as collected as possible when I give him the album. Even though all my insides are twisting and squeezing and mixing and churning. Hyukjae laughs, low and rumbling and beautiful, and he's smiling and I can see his gums and teeth and oh _god._ My thoughts are a mess. I'm a mess.

"Lee Donghae," Hyukjae reads from the post-it I prepared inside, and it's my name but it doesn't feel like my name, it's my name but—

I'm laughing. I'm throwing my head back and I'm laughing. I don't know why. But this whole situation just makes me want to laugh, so I do. I think of several things: that I'm being so embarrassing right now it's ridiculous. That everyone is watching. That they've all probably recognized me by now—Hyukjae, too.

Hyukjae. I think of Hyukjae. I think of how embarrassing I am being in front of him. I think of how beautiful he is. I think of how nervous I get just by being this close to him, but also happy. I think of how happy I am being within his arm's reach, and I also think of how pathetic it is to fall in love with this man.

I think of how I already love him.

Yeah. I definitely have fallen in love with him, haven't I? This is wrong. This is foolish, childish, heartbreaking, tragic. Falling in love with him is tragic. Laughable. That's why I'm laughing.

"What's on your mind?" the voice who called my name earlier says. I turn to him. His single-lidded eyes look up at me, gleaming with the reflection of spotlights. It's the same loving eyes he has given to all of the other fans earlier, and I'm a little pissed because I want him to only look at me that way. That isn't possible. I know. I fight the urge to laugh again.

"I'm just laughing at myself," I say. It's the truth. I'm a terrible liar.

Hyukjae looks puzzled, but not freaked out. He laughs again, too. God, stop laughing. I can't handle it.

"And why is that?" he asks, outstretching a hand. He does that to the other girls, too. And all the girls would take his hand and tell him stories.

I don't take his hand, and he's probably noticed how his habit slipped out even though I'm not a girl, so he pulls his hand back. But I guess I can tell him a story.

"I'm in love with someone," I say. I make sure to look into his eyes. The eye contact tickles the urge to cry that I've had for several hours now, but I resist. I'm just gonna make a fool of myself this once, embarrass myself this once, then Hyukjae can just hate me for all I care. I can't be here anyway. It's tragic. But he has to know this first.

I bite my lip, holding in, then I continue. "I've... actually been following h—that person for quite a while. I followed that person everywhere. Not in a stalking way, just..." I clear my throat. "I like taking pictures, so I took pictures of him, but—"

I realize I've let the pronoun slip. Panic surges in me— _he'll think I'm gross. He'll think I'm a disgrace to humanity_ —almost making me laugh again and I babble incomprehensible apologies, but Hyukjae holds up a hand. "Don't worry. But what? What happened?"

I clear my throat again. It's suffocating. Maybe my heart really has risen to clog up my throat.

"Yeah. I stopped doing that. I don't do that anymore."

Hyukjae tilts his head slightly, and it's just a simple gesture but I think it's adorable—gosh. "Why?" he asks with a chuckle. I can't tell if he's really honestly interested or if he's faking it, but something like that comes off from the tone of his voice.

"Because he... he isn't someone I can have." I swallow a rather thick lump, but it doesn't go down. "I don't want to fall too hard for him. He's... too far away. My hand will never touch him."

There it is. I said it. I really said it. He must be stupid to not know that it's about him.

Hyukjae hums, looking really thoughtful, like he really cares about the love problems of this man he just met. _This man who is his fan_ , I correct myself. This is only necessary fanservice. He has to look caring about each and every one of his fans, that much is understandable.

But then Hyukjae asks the magic question: "How are you so sure about that?"

It's that question again. Why is everyone asking that? Isn't it already clear from how this conversation is going?

Isn't it?

And why is _he_ asking me this, of all people? He is the guy in question here. He is the key factor. He is the one who holds the answer. I attempt to search for the answer in his eyes, but I end up squirming under Hyukjae's gaze, forcing me to break eye contact, looking at the wall instead.

"I-I—" I stammer yet again. "I don't know. Honestly, Eunhyuk-ah, I don't—"

The noona behind him signals for me to move along. I almost follow her orders and scurry away, but Hyukjae silently stops her with a hand.

I'm not sure what else to do with the extra time Hyukjae bought me. I look down at my fidgeting hands. I also notice that Hyukjae has outstretched his hand over the counter again.

I take it, because who knows if this will happen again. It's pretty shameless of me, but what can I do. I keep staring at our interlocked hands, taking in the sight, trying to burn them onto my brain like a hot mark.

But then Hyukjae says: "Donghae, look at me."

I do. His eyes still have that really intense lovey-dovey gaze, jerking me away from them. My vision unwillingly focus on the little quirks of his face I have seen so much they're maybe a part of my subconscious: the little crinkles in the corner of his eyes, the round shape of the tip of his nose, his eye bags that double in size once he's in the latter part of promotion periods like now.

"Do you love him that much?" he asks.

I hold back a sob. It's not funny if I cry here. I need to hold it in, just a little bit more.

Without a shade of doubt, I meet his eyes and try to really mean it when I say "I do."

"Well, then." Hyukjae smiles his gummy smile, bouncing our linked hands on the table. "Donghae, I'm—honestly, I suck at giving advice, but... I, uh, I think you can... trust yourself a lot more. I really do."

I snort. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, you're good-looking, and I'm willing to bet you must be really kind to think like that. You're a loyal guy, too. Speaking from experience. And you're talented, you take beautiful photos..."

_He... he just complimented me._

I bite my lips, trying my best to not let an idiotic lovesick grin appear on my face. That would be very creepy and disturbing and embarrassing. As if I haven't embarrassed myself enough.

Hyukjae flashes his gummy smile again before his hand detaches itself from mine, leaving a residue of warmth that also feels cold.

"What I'm saying is," he uncaps his silver marker and quickly signs, scribbling something under it before closing it in a practiced routine. "You deserve someone who is perfect for you and treats you just as well."

I suck in a ragged breath, which I disguise as a fake cough.

I know what that means. I completely know what that means. There's an unspoken "else" after that "someone." Someone else.

Warmth starts to collect in my eyes—shit. I bite my tongue as hard as I can.

Calmly, I receive my album back. I'm smiling, but I think it only makes things worse. It's like I'm back to square one. Grinning and bearing it.

"I hope things work out for you."

I don't reply. I can't. I only smile, because I think that's the only thing I'm physically capable of doing.

"Take care and fighting, Lee Donghae," he says before bidding me farewell with a wave. I mimic the gesture before I walk, away and away and away, speed-walking to the exit and away, not even caring about the photo time later. I need to get out of here.

I nearly lose it. I even consider letting it all out in a bathroom somewhere but think I should at least keep the last of my pride I have left, so I take a cab to the terminal. Nothing comes to mind on the cab ride and nothing comes to mind when I line up to get tickets either. It's a complete blank.

My brain starts functioning in the short, silent and idle ten minutes wait for the next Seoul-bound bus, and the first thing I think of is: Lee Donghae, you should've expected this.

I continue the destructive train of thought on the bus. He pointed at my camera because I was a loyal fansite who's been there since his debut days. He posted my photos on Instagram because he thought my photos are beautiful. He interacted with me as a—

I pull my beanie down, almost covering my whole eyes. It's getting unbearable. I think about sending a text to Minjae but I think I'll need some time to think over this by myself before I tell anyone. I don't want to think about it now, though. I'll mope about it later at home.

_Foolish, childish, heartbreaking, tragic._

Thirsty for some reason, I open my bag to get a bottle of water. That's when I also see my album there, sitting so snugly among my other belongings.

I shouldn't do this now, but I pull it out of my bag anyway. Thankfully, the cover is just a simple text on plain blue background, not his photo or anything, so it doesn't trigger an immediate reaction from me.

I leaf through the pages of the photobook. With every photo of him I see comes another squeeze of my heart, but I just need to find the—

There it is. The page with the autograph he gave me. The post it with my name is still there, covering some of the signature and the scribble he did underneath. I pull it away.

And.

I nearly drop my album.

My hands shake and they go up to my heart, which is beating like crazy. Fingers squeeze my shirt, crinkling it ruthlessly and maybe almost tearing the fabric.

Tears are also forced out, no longer able to be held back. The utter shock successfully took out my defense against myself. Although, I try my best to control my sobs. Thankfully, not many people are on the bus yet and no one is next to me either.

Deep breaths. I take deep breaths. Suddenly terrified I misread or that this is all just my imagination, I yank the page open again to check. It's still there.

Written in his silver marker, underneath the signature I am most familiar with, the message is still there and it's real and I can't believe it still and I probably will never.

 

_To: Lee Donghae_

_I've missed you._

_From: Hyukjae, who will always search for you._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE PART I'M MOST EXCITED ABOUT WRITING AND I'M SO GLAD TO HAVE IT OUT AHHH!!!!!
> 
> For the heck of it, I set up a curiouscat account [here](https://curiouscat.me/donggeun). Ask away about the fic there if you'd like haha. And here's [my twitter](https://twitter.com/btosuju) too, as always.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy I finally have time to write sdkfjhsd i hate college a lot ;~;
> 
> I know there are other stuff I should be writing but... um. This kinda just happened very, very quickly. I just know that I'm gonna go back to patch this one up a lot lmao but I hope everyone will enjoy! Finally we see what's going on on Hyukjae's end!

_h y u k j a e_

 

 _This is foolish_ , I think. But at the same time, I know I need it. That's why I'm here waiting at the cafe. My cafe.

What am I going to say later? There's no way I can just say it out straight—"I think I'm interested in a fan!"—no. Something needs to be said to get it to that point.

I knock my head on the desk. Yes. I think I'm interested in a fan. That's a thing.

I think of how my heart has actually gotten to this point. I mean, taking interest in a fan isn't something to be ashamed of, out of thousands of them out there there's bound to be someone who just fits my type, right? Although, there are also bastards who regularly hop from fan to fan, or even sleep with them no strings attached. Now that's kinda horrible, in my opinion, although it's completely in their right to do so as long as there's mutual consent, but—it's just unethical, I think.

But, that aside. Really, what has happened in my life so I turn out like this? To the point where I've taken interest in a fan this much? This has never happened before. I don't just want to sleep with him or just think he's attractive. I want to know more about him. I want to know what food he likes, what he does in his spare time, his favorite color, if he prefers dawn or sunset. It's sappy and gross. This is how deep I am in this crap. Love is something I seek—it's not like I'm trying to avoid love like some other people—but it just has to be a fan? Do I not socialize enough so I really can't find anyone like this out there?

 _Actually,_ the reasonable part of my brain speaks up. _Yeah, Lee Hyukjae, you really don't socialize enough. You never go clubbing. You never go to parties._

Uh, yeah, no. Being alone is awesome and underrated.

Besides, what can I do? They keep shoving me pretty girls in my face. They don't know that I'm not interested in girls, and I don't want to let them know either. The only people who know are my manager, my sister, and of course, the person I'm waiting for right now. My only close friend who I trust in this snake-filled industry. Obviously, I have other friends from variety shows and stuff, but those friends don't know any of my secrets. This guy is the only one so far.

They always say they pity me, or that they think it's sad that I only have exactly one (1) friend in the industry, but I'm content with this. The fewer people who know, the less likely it's gonna spread anyway. I'm fine where I am.

I'm... good.

...am I?

Or is just that I'm lonely? Is that it? Is that why I got so defenseless and tactless during that fansign, so much that I wrote what I wrote on his album? Is it just because he happens to be attractive, talented, and very much in love with me as he has confessed?

Fuck. If that's true, that'd just make me a horrible person. I'll be no different than the bastards who sleep with a different fan every other night. What a lowlife—

Smack. A menu hit me square on the crown. The asshole is here, crass as always in his way of greeting.

I lift my head and sure enough, he's standing across of me. My supposed "counterpart", as the company put it: vocal idol Cho Kyuhyun. My archenemy but also my best friend, although sometimes I wonder why. The fact that we trained and debuted together and even originally planned to be a package has a large part on it, sure, but the fact stands that I've strangely never found anyone as trustworthy as him.

Which is regrettable, because he's annoying as fuck and I hate him.

"Wakey-wakey, Eunhyuk-ie," he says in a sing-song voice. He wants a reaction from me, which I'm not going to give for his satisfaction. I can't think of a witty comeback for the life of me, though. Maybe the blow really did a dent on my brain, or maybe it's still occupied by my previous train of thought. I'm not capable of thinking about anything else.

Then I'll just say out my previous train of thought. "Yah, do you think I'm a bad person?"

Through his glower, I can tell he's annoyed that I'm not giving him the reaction he wants, to which I mentally rejoice. He pulls out his chair and plops down with a thud. "Depends. Give me context."

I open my mouth, but then our waitress comes to take his order, so I wait until he's done ordering. But he purposefully takes his sweet ass time, and by the time he finishes, the moment for anything witty has passed.

Smart ass brat.

"Sorry, what was that?" he asks with blinking eyes. Good Lord.

"Listen," I say through gritted teeth and decide to just tell him the story right then, or else we're never getting anything done.

I tell him. I tell him about my fansite of five years, Silver Rain, and the man behind it. I tell him about the man named Lee Donghae.

I tell him about the closure. I tell him how much I felt hurt when it happened. I tell him about the reason behind the closure, which I eventually learned.

I tell him about how my heart fluttered when I saw him. I tell him about how the sound of his laugh lingered in my eardrums. I tell him about how no one has ever made me feel like this after just one conversation. I tell him—

"Geez, spare me the sappy stuff, Hyukjae."

His words return me from the realm of Lee Donghae, and I realize I just gushed so disgustingly about a fan to Cho Kyuhyun. My face starts to burn.

"Sorry," I mutter. Then I also realize that it was the first time Kyuhyun has spoken since I started telling the Thing. Which means he has been listening intently after all. That's a relief, that he caught the hint about how important this is.

He only exhales, though. "So what do you expect from me? After telling this whole thing?"

I look pointedly at Kyuhyun's fancy chocolate drink, which arrived during my lengthy ramble. That one is his payment. The brat only becomes willing to be ordered around when there's money involved. "It's on the house."

"You always pay when I'm here anyway. Get me meat instead."

I give him a glare, but I'm desperate. "Fine. Fine! Whatever you want, Cho. Give me advice."

He looks surprised. Because I'm yielding so fast. But like I said, I'm desperate.

"Okay," he shrugs and takes a sip of his chocolate, popping off the straw with a click of his tongue. "So okay. He actually told you he loves you?"

"Yeah, at the fansign."

"It's not just, you know, like all the girls too, they say they love you but—"

"No, no, actually. He told me in this roundabout way, you know? He was—he was telling this story about how he fell in love with someone. A nameless someone. But that person is definitely me, from his description—" I see that Kyuhyun is opening his mouth, so I stop him with a hand. "Before you say anything, he even said stuff about how he used to follow this "person" around and take pictures of him, so there's no doubt. He told me he stopped the fansite because he was afraid to fall in—um, for me too much. Kyu, that's the most precious thing I've ever—"

"Yeah. Yeah. You told me already. I get it." Kyuhyun sighs in exasperation. "Okay, so. It's a fansign, right? What about you? What did you say to him?"

"Halfway through his story I already know that it's about me, right," I start to explain. The next part is embarrassing and he'll definitely curse at me for it, but I deserve it, so whatever. "Then I—I—I sorta got... too giddy and got carried away."

" _Giddy?_ " Kyuhyun asks, his eyes already judging me. I look away. "Explain. _Explain,_ Hyukjae."

"I... may have told him I thought he's good-looking and talented and—"

"Jesus—"

"No, wait! Wait. That's all. Then I sobered up and gave him a really cool advice."

"Which is?"

"Something like, "you deserve someone who is perfect for you and treats you well". So cool, right?" I put a hand over my heart for show, but it only makes me realize how nervous and embarrassed I am through my heartbeat.

"No, no, Hyukjae, you totally mean something else by that, don't you?"

" _No, I don't_ , Cho." Yes I do. This guy understands me better than anyone outside my family, and yes, of course he knows that I totally do mean something else by that. But I have pride to keep.

"Okay, whatever, then what else did you do?"

I shrug. "Nothing."

Kyuhyun squints. "At fansigns, you interact in more ways than just talking."

He's about to hit jackpot. I sweat even more. My fingers drum against the table.

Kyuhyun then starts relentlessly attacking me. "Okay. Hands. Did you hold his hand?"

I shrug again. "I hold everyone's hands."

"Lee Hyukjae, I already took time out of—"

" _Fine_ , yes I did. What else do you want to know?"

Now, it's Kyuhyun who shrugs. "It's a fansign. You sign."

My hands are clammy. "Yes, and?"

"What did you sign for him?"

God. Why does Kyuhyun have to be so fucking clever? He actually hit the jackpot that easily. I don't immediately say anything, which only serves as further proof to him that there's something here.

He knows this, too. "Quote it to me word by word, Hyuk."

I bite my lower lip so hard it's practically almost bleeding. But there's no escaping this. I have to say it out.

So I do.

 

* * *

  

_d o n g h a e_

 

"And I quote this word by word," I say to the headset microphone, "To, Lee Donghae. I've missed you. From, Hyukjae, who will always search for you."

There's nothing from the other line for several seconds, then a loud crash. And a thud.

"Minjae—"

"LEE DONGHAE OH MY GOD."

"Minjae, what did you break, oh my god—"

"SHUT UP. SHUT UP, DONGHAE! FUCK—oof. I'm bleeding. Wait."

Jesus Christ, Minjae. She's insane. What the heck just happened? I'm laughing so hard I almost roll off the couch I'm lying down on.

Some minutes later, she returns to her phone. "Okay, I'm back."

"What happened? Are you okay?" I ask with a chuckle.

"Dropped a glass on the floor and the shards grazed my feet. I'm fine, just bleeding."

 _That is not what I call fine_ , I'm about to say, but Minjae already starts speaking before I do.

"Donghae, Donghae. God. This is like, stuff you see in dramas. Stuff like this just doesn't _happen,_ Donghae! What is this!"

"Apparently," I shrug even though Minjae can't see it, "it happens."

"I'm so happy for you, Donghae," she coos.

She's happy for me, she said. My tongue prods my inner cheeks.

I don't know if I feel the same. I mean. I do feel happy, kinda. But.

"Don't build my hype too much, please. Nothing is set in stone yet."

"Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's true, but still."

I glance at my coffee table. The album is still on there, sitting so cozily. _The_ album.

Some days have passed since, but I still can't really believe it happened. That album serves as the sole evidence of it all, but it still feels like a dream—like on that one day of the fansign, someone who is not Lee Donghae took over my body but I retained his memories. That day is like a fiction I inserted myself into. It hasn't really sunk in that I actually talked to Lee Hyukjae—Eunhyuk—and basically confessed my love for him, and I have barely even registered the fact that he replied with that thing on the album.

I want to like this as much as she does, but I can't really feel anything. How can I when I'm still not convinced it actually happened? Maybe that's also why I'm calling Minjae—to make it seem more real. It seems more real once you've told people about it. But something of this scale... I think nothing can ever truly make it feel real.

"I wish I'm in Korea right now," says Minjae.

My hands play with my headset cord. I'm not sure how to answer that. 'Me too'? But I don't. Phone is nice, I can sort of fake my excitement for her like this. I wouldn't be able to do it in person.

I reply with a joke instead. "Why? You earn dirt here compared to what you earn there."

"You missed the point. Also, dirt is a bit of an exaggeration, I earn okay back home."

Minjae works, true to her character, as a freelance tour guide and director. Usually, she prefers guiding tours in Korea, but sometimes when she really could use the money she would also direct overseas tours like this. Her strict time management and straight-to-business attitude has given her good enough reputation to earn a more than stable living even without traveling overseas often, enough to fund her fan activities.

To think that we were both only college students who loved photography and Hyukjae when we first met. I've said this before, but it's really touching, she and I.

"You're quiet, are you being sentimental again?"

I blush. "Shut up, you know me."

"How do you always find something in everything to be sentimental about—"

"Anyway," I press on. "Back to the topic."

"The topic of how I definitely would treat you to a nice dinner if I were in Korea right now?"

Oh, so that's what she was implying.

I can't help but smile. We treat each other so much but it still feels so nice each time, especially with how eager she is about it.

"Thanks, but one, you always do after overseas jobs anyway and two, no, I mean the other one. The big one. The one that starts with Hyuk and ends with Jae."

As I finish talking, Minjae also finishes yawning. She must be tired. It's generous enough of her to make time to call me like this when I know she has a thousand things to do and worry about as a tour director. I can't take this for granted.

"Right. Right. So what do you wanna do next?"

Next? The mere thought of next hasn't even crossed my mind. I'm still in space! My feet haven't even touched the ground!

She keeps talking, not aware of the raging winds and waves hitting the shores of my psyche. "You're good to do more drastic things, I think."

"N-Next?" is all I can say.

Minjae almost sounds offended. "Of course! You have to keep the momentum going, or this will all be for naught."

She has a point. I sink back even further into the couch. There's no time to waste in this haze. I have to keep moving.

There's... excitement there, definitely, yeah. Of course there is. But there's also the thought of pushing me further and further out of my comfort zone. This is already uncomfortable enough as it is. Something about it seeming so unreal is making me afraid that I've sunk myself to deep into a fantasy, and when I get attached, I get attached hard.

Every step forward is a gamble. Stepping forward is nice, but it puts more chips of my heart and emotions on the table, which means I will lose more devastating amounts if the game turns out to be a bust.

I think about having to feel like this for the next interaction, and the next, and the next, and the next. If they ever happen, that is. This feeling, happening each time.

This... isn't going to be easy, isn't it?

 

* * *

 

  _h y u k j a e_

 

Kyuhyun yelled at me.

I deserved it, really. My dumb ego did put forward an argument, but what he was spouting was all truth and I also know he meant well by it.

" _Think this over, Hyukjae,_ " Kyuhyun had said after I told him how I treated Donghae at the fansign. " _You know how fatal your secret is._ "

Part of me wanted to scream at him: Donghae is not that kind of person. He wouldn't want to ruin my reputation like that. And I did tell him that at some point in our heated back-and-forth, but only for myself to realize how little I actually know about Donghae. I know next to nothing, yet there I was about to just trust him with a potentially career-breaking secret after one conversation. That was, admittedly, stupid. He even accused me of being drunk at some point, which made me realize I thought up something that stupid while completely sober. An embarrassment to us all.

Kyuhyun was right. My secret is fatal. Once the word goes out that I'm interested in men, it's over for me. It doesn't have to be a scandal, rumors of it is enough to bulldoze anything I have worked so hard to get. I don't even trust fellow gay idols about this. What made me think pursuing a relationship with a male fan and consequently telling him about my sexuality was a good idea?

It's dangerous. Fans leave. All the time. That's the scary thing about having fans, is that they are most likely going to leave at some point. And there's no fool-proof guarantee that this Lee Donghae is of the minority that wouldn't, no matter how much time or money he has devoted to me. Even fansites close and move on. That's just life. And when he does leave, what will he do with this secret of mine? Again, there is no guarantee that he is of the kind-hearted minority that would just keep this secret when he has so much to gain by spilling it and nothing to lose.

 _It's only one conversation_ , I persuade myself. _Don't go ahead and let yourself think that you're letting your soulmate slip by or something._

I'm not a hundred percent sure of how I feel about him yet, but he is intriguing, yes. At this point, it's still just an interest. I'm a little embarrassed by how worked up I got about him the other day because after I let it sit for a few days, the hype did die down a little. I can think more rationally about this now.

Kyuhyun surprisingly took it really well, though. He didn't judge me for liking him or anything. He just didn't want me to get into trouble by putting my foot where I shouldn't have. Biting off more than I can chew. Getting ahead of myself. Whatever dumb shit I was doing.

 _"Unless,"_ he had said then, _"you know this guy like you know yourself and you trust him with your whole motherfucking life, don't even try to do anything."_

That's where the discussion got interesting.

I took an experimental step further and asked: _"Given the circumstances, do you think I'll ever arrive at a point where I know him like I know myself and I trust him with my whole motherfucking life?"_

I expected ridicule.

Which he didn't give. Kyuhyun is, to his core, never predictable.

 _"Look if you really wanna do this,"_ he had said after an especially long inhale, _"you gotta know your strategy. Listen. Because I know you have zero strategy skills, and judging from my gaming ranks, I have plenty."_

I didn't want him to be right about the strategy thing, because hey—I direct concerts. Isn't that technically a strategy thing? But now I think that I'm only good at making things look nice. There's a reason why I rarely win games in variety shows. Meanwhile, he was right about the game thing. He's good at games. I'll give him that. That's the one thing he's good at other than singing and math.

So I sat like a nice little boy, perked my ears up and listened because I really do want to do this. Or more like, I am genuinely curious about him and if there is a way to progress... whatever this is without being too risky, I'm down to try.

_"So. At this point, you're the one with more to lose here than him. In fact, he has really few things to lose. If he's really serious about this, he'll take another step, then another step, then another step."_

My train of thought is interrupted by the car breaking to a smooth halt. I start to gather my things in practiced routine, double-checking to make sure I haven't left anything.

The manager opened my door as I slip on my sunglasses and I step out to the nauseatingly familiar sight of Incheon International Airport. I've been here so much it's like a second home, but in my head, it's always associated with tiring long flights and crazy schedules, so it's never achieved that status of comfort.

Across the road, I immediately see my pretty Jewels. Now that's a sight I won't be nauseated by seeing no matter how many times I see it.

Shutters immediately go off as I approach them. My eyes instinctively roam the sea of cameras to try to spot Silver Rain's lens. I stop it once I realize what I'm doing. Thankfully, I have these sunglasses so they don't see me unprofessionally search the crowd like in that concert again.

I respond to their enthusiasm to see me with my own very enthusiastic waves. None of it is faked. I am honestly always glad to see them at airports, especially when I know I'm gonna land in another country to another schedule-packed day. It's a super nice love shower and boost of morale. Also helps to keep my feet on the ground because I get reminded every time that none of what I get to do now would be possible without them.

My manager right behind me, I walk down the wide stretch of pathway Jewels have neatly formed for me. Again, this is nice. They know their boundaries. Jewels are always so inspiring. As I walk, some fans politely go down and offer their gifts for me. I take each and every one, trying to not miss any as always, and never forgetting to say thank you each time. One bag, thank you, two bags, thank you, three—

I slow down. I basically paused. There is another brown paper gift bag offered up ahead, and I know really well that that hand holding it certainly not a girl's. It is large and rough. Hand of a man. And it looks... familiar.

I'm so thankful for my sunglasses, or everyone else would be able to see how legitimately freaked out I am right now. I want to not look at him, but I have to thank him for the gift.

I look. My head turns ever so slowly, and I look at him. I look at Lee Donghae.

He's all covered up like how he was when he was in the line to go up at the fansign, mask and glasses and beret with fringe peeking out and all. He seems to be smiling, from what I see of his eyes, but not as wide as everyone else.

A new sight of Lee Donghae. I give myself three seconds to drink in the sight. In that time frame, he seems to have figured out that I recognize him. Then I smile, thank him, and move along.

Again, thank fuck for these sunglasses because I totally cannot concentrate right now. I continue to take gifts and greet fans until I reach the end of the line. Then it's time for me to get in.

It's a blur after that. I check in and then I'm in the waiting lounge. My manager drops me my gift bags, as I usually like to look at them while waiting for the flight. My hands immediately go to that brown paper gift bag, but I quickly pull it away. I'm going to save that for the last.

I go through every gift and letter. My heart starts beating faster with each one because I'm getting closer and closer to the brown paper gift bag. But I try my best to keep focused on what I have in hand. These are equally as important.

My hands reach out to the second to last bag on the table. It's a really cute pair of mittens. I take some time to appreciate it.

Then it's time.

With ten minutes left before the flight, I finally grab the brown paper gift bag. Gently. My hands tremble slightly as I reach in.

I don't know what I was expecting, but I'm quite surprised. I don't know why I'm surprised, either. It's not like it's anything out of this world.

It's a book. Romeo and Juliet, to be exact.

I'm not much of a reader, and I guess I kind of assumed a fan would know that about me, which is maybe why I was surprised to find a book? It still feels a little strange. Maybe he loves this book so much that he wants me to read it.

I then realize that it's an unsealed copy, so I leaf through it just to see what it's about. Over the PA speakers, I hear the announcement for my flight to board.

And at the same exact time, a paper slips out of the book. It's a small, folded note on blue-colored binder paper. I pick it up, unfold it open—

I grin. It must look really stupid, but whatever. I'm grinning so widely at a public space.

I'm aware of my manager gathering my gift bags and walking to board the plane though, which is also cue for me to go. I carefully slip the note back into the book and put it in my bag before I pace down to get in the quickly thinning line for business class.

Once I'm on the plane, I swiftly take the book back out. With it, the note I slipped back in not three minutes ago. I take it out of the book and opened it again.

 

_So you've missed me?_

_- Silver Rain_

 

I find myself grinning again, which is less embarrassing now that I have some semblance of privacy. This is just... cute. This is a really cute thing to do and for some reason I just think it's just _so him_ , even though I barely know him.

 _Another step. And another step. And another..._ I remember Kyuhyun's words. This is his step. I like it, it has spunk and this feeling of sass to it. It furthers my intrigue in him.

Then I get a thought. This is a question. Does he expect an answer? He probably does. How do I tell him his answer?

Another part of Kyuhyun's strategy comes to mind.

_"Okay, you can still do things on your end. He's gonna take these steps, right? You have to plan it right so there's a balance of you acknowledging these steps that he's making and appreciating it, but it's also discreet enough and doesn't really, like, fling him up to the moon. Do it delicately."_

I take a breath. Thank god this isn't a face to face thing like last time, or I would've lost my head again and did something stupid again. This time I actually still have time to think about what I'm gonna do.

The plane fills out and takes off, and not long after but also not soon enough, it lands in good ol' Haneda Airport. Immediately after I land, I get caught up in the whirl of interviews and meetings. Thought of Lee Donghae is professionally pushed to the back of my brain, but the book in my bag serves as a constant reminder that I have to do something.

And in the midst of the chaos that is overseas schedule, I figure out what I want to do. I text Kyuhyun about it, just making sure.

" _You're like, the least delicate person on earth and I don't want you to grandiosely fuck things up, so. If you're not sure of anything, text me. Just keep in mind that I want iced chocolate as a payment for each text._ "

Fuck iced chocolate. I'm not letting anything ruin this, not even myself nor my wallet.

Not five minutes later, because I'm the only one getting schedules in our cute little duo (he's actually just lazy), I get a reply.

 

 **Asshole**  
Sounds fine to me  
Iced chocolate +1

 

Sounds fine, he said. Well! This is so much easier when there's time to answer and a brainy dude to help me with it.

I return to my hotel room late in the night and immediately get to work. I take out the book, put it on the little table by the window and turn on the sensual orange lamps. It has to be perfect.

Once satisfied, I put filters on the photo of the book against the night Tokyo skyline. This is subtle enough, because if not for anything else, this will be disguised as my usual "update" post complete with a pretty picture. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing fishy—to the unsuspecting.

Finally, of course, I let it online on Instagram.

Now that I've done that business, time to rest. Before tucking in, I take one more look at the note. As if I haven't looked at it enough already.

_So you've missed me?_

Grinning again—it's unstoppable—I close the book and move to the bed.

 

* * *

  

 **eunhyukee44** こんばんは～ 東京のきれいな夜空^^  
Yes. ☂

View all 256 comments  
4 MINUTES AGO・SEE TRANSLATION

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hyuk's ig caption simply means "Good evening~ Beautiful Tokyo night sky ^^"
> 
> Sorry, I always jump at any chance to use Japanese in fics lol
> 
> Ask me things about my fics at my [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/donggeun) or find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/btosuju)!


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